Friday, October 16, 2009
How to Freak Out Your Conventional Husband in 5 Easy Steps:
Step 1. Eat a chicken for dinner. Not chicken breasts out of the styrofoam package but a real, dead bird. With it's neck chopped off and stuffed down it's hollowed out abdomen. Along with other nasty unidentifiable parts. (Really, I'm a science dork and I can identify the liver and heart, but what's the rest of that junk?) Conventional Husband will be mildly concerned by the unusual presentation, but placated when served a nice slice of white breast meat. Especially if Norma's famous mashed potatoes are one of the distractingly delicious side dishes.
Step 2. Pick all meat off cooled chicken carcass. Even the meat off the back, legs, wings and other non-boobie parts. Some of it will be stained by the bones and some other pieces will have to be separated from slimy fat and sinewy bits. Conventional Husband will look a little squeamish at this point, rush through doing the dishes and retreat hastily to the living room with laptop.
Step 3. Chat with girlfriend on the phone. Drop words like "and the cartilage too?" and "what about skin and fat?" Make loud banging noises while removing infrequently used things from the back of the cabinets.
Step 4. Set large cauldron of bubbling bones on the back burner. Act like nothing unusual is going on. But don't emerge from the kitchen. Anxious Husband is sure to lose to curiosity and impatience and come investigate. Admire the horrified look when he discovers this steaming, rolling, boiling science experiment. Giggle when he says "I'm not eating that!".
Step 5. Just when the coast looks clear start new even weirder project. Use the blender and cheese grater. To the fearful question "What are you doing now?" Answer: "Oh, just making homemade laundry soap...". Do not be surprised when there is no reply. Conventional husband will be silent for the rest of the evening and go to bed early.
Congrats! Now you not only have a free evening to blog, facebook and surf the net to your heart's content, you also have (free!) chicken stock and the world's best, cheapest laundry soap.
And don't worry, Conventional Husband will make a complete, well rested recovery when his empty laundry basket magically transforms into a mountain of clean clothes and a chicken pie appears on tomorrow's dinner table.